Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Ten Plus Ways to Go Full Retard On Facebook

10. Complaining when others occasionally tag your name to their post as a way of sharing it with many members. Such people are trying to start an intelligent dialog but you are too concerned about keeping your page clean to even care about the pressing topics on the table. Hence anal retention has come to be your natural condition.

9. Posting an excessive number of pictures of your friends, family, and children. Yes you have a very beautiful family but aren't there things you are uneasy about? This is a great platform to make your concerns heard and you are blowing it.

8. Yes you are a very lovely specimen but posting 1,234,754 "modeling" pictures of yourself on your page is a little bit of overkill. Please trust me when I say that nobody envies you. In fact they rightfully believe you are a narcissist.

7. Blocking friends or family because they post things that you disagree with. This should be seen as an opportunity to challenge their views or question your own. This is how we best learn from one another but you insist on being closed minded.

6. Have a verbal altercation on someone's facebook page and afterwards blaming them for not stopping it. You might even unfriend them for being incapable of knowing everything that occurs on their page resulting in not defending you.

5. Sharing cute baby or cat videos. Please trust me when I say there is nothing here that we haven't seen before.

4. Sharing mushy feel-good image memes. These always leave me with the taste of bile in my mouth.

3. Posting about benign political matters like gays right to marry, the practice of spiking our drinking water with fluoride, GMO's or pesticides in our foods, an attempt to teach "intelligent design" in public schools, etc. These are all merely distractions from the more pressing unjust public policies we should really be concerned about. Those in the mainstream media who control the narrative tell you to "look over there" and you foolishly do.

2. Sharing Ice Challenge videos. These are mindless and pointless. However I have one more "ice challenge" for you good people but I prefer to call this the "beaner challenge." Walk up to a crazy ass looking tattoo-d up vato in the toughest gang neighborhood you can find and ask him where the nearest Taco Loco can be found. Then splash his face with the hottest taco sauce you can find. If he does not pepper you with bullet holes don't forget to post it to facebook.

1. Declaring to friends and families how much you love and appreciate them. Oh please trust me when I say they do not love you as much. In fact they are more inclined to hate you.

Bonus 1: Changing your profile picture hoping that this new one will repair some of the damage done by your unfortunate DNA.

Bonus 2: Falling for those private messages where an unknown person of the opposite sex suddenly takes an interest in you and asks for your email address. It is a fact of life that no beauty will suddenly out of nowhere fall right into your lap simply because you joined facebook. It is far more rational to assume that it is a Nigerian conman attempting to harvest email addresses and other things from you if you are gullible enough to believe his pitch.

Bonus 3: Circulating petitions hoping things might change. The truth is that we were all conditioned to make phone calls, write letters, sign petitions, and participate in peaceful protests. This is exactly how those in power want us to respond to their unjust public policies because they are not threatening, carry no weight, and do not impact them personally. Congratulations! Your soft activism failed.

Bonus 4: Creating a new post with just a few simple words or an exclamation with no further commentary which would provide us with context we can relate to. We cannot read your mind. Therefore such posts amount to nothing more than incoherent childish dribble.

Bonus 5: This is similar to prior point. Posting images or videos on s facebook friend's page without any description or commentary to encourage us to view it. If you are too lazy to write a short narrative why should we waste our time giving it any attention?

Top image courtesy of

© 2014 Jules Manson — All Rights Reserved

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