Friday, August 29, 2014

Recipe: Pork-Roasted Babies for Baby-Eating Atheists


Yes it is true that atheists occasionally partake in a ritual of eating human babies primarily for all the protein and many vitamins and minerals contained in their young flesh. They make for a very healthy meal and the meat is always very tender and tasty. And for every human baby that is eaten we would have saved an innocent little piggy from a most gruesome fate. This should please PETA immensely. Besides, haven't enough pigs already paid their dues?

But let us not spin our wheels on the ethical implications of eating just one baby at a time from a pool of nearly seven billion. Instead, let us jump in head first to a very appetizing secret recipe.


It is often best to select an illegal alien mother's toddler-aged baby (anchor babies) who are often found lost wandering discount superstores like Walmart or at crowded outdoor flea markets. Anchor babies are preferred because an illegal alien mother will often crap out one or two babies every nine months to qualify for maximum possible public entitlements like food stamps, low rent public housing, and other forms of welfare. This often results in a near unmanageable nine or so anchor babies to easily lose track of by the time she is in her mid-20's. By snatching babies from such families time is on your side because you can be long gone before she notices one missing from her brood. This often occurs days later.

Be sure to choose one that is nice and plump but avoid those with full diapers. This is a sign that said baby may not be kept in the best of good health and thus, may not be very savory after roasting.

Benefits to Society

As an added bonus, most anchor babies come from Catholic or Christian families and grow up to be life-long tree humping, save the spotted owl, stop global-warming, save the world, bleeding heart, pinko pussy liberals.

However if you are not into dark meat but instead prefer White meat then give Jewish babies a try. The nice thing about this is that you would be doing the world a favor by eliminating babies who may grow up to be soulless, morally depraved Zionists who have no conscious.


First things first: Wash baby down very well as you would with any roast beef or pork roast especially its hind quarters. Do not gut the baby. This would be very cruel.

After cleaning is done place baby onto a large oven pan. The next step depends on your preferences. Generously douse it with cooking oil, your favorite spices, sugar and salt, and splash Tabasco Sauce in every body opening like its mouth, nostrils, ear canals, and eyes. This really adds a lot of flavor that will not cook out. By this time our poor little anchor baby should be screaming in agony. To stop this simply squeeze an over sized apple into its little mouth.


Do not cut up the poor baby. It is still a human being. Simply preheat the oven to 375 degrees and place the entire contents inside and close the oven door. Out of sight, out of mind. No noise, no problem. Roast 1-hour for every 5-pounds of flesh. After about two or three hours our delicious pork-roasted baby should be ready for a very special supper. They also make a great alternative to Thanksgiving turkey meals.


Our hearty meal goes well with any of your favorite hot side dishes or as cold cuts for tomorrow's lunch sandwich (see top image). Do not forget to invite your Christian neighbors for a unique delicacy but do not tell them what it really is. Just say to them, "It is roasted baby pork." Your special dinner is promised to be a big hit with them.

For more baby recipes please have a look at:

Legal Disclaimer

No animals were harmed in creating this recipe. The same cannot be said of the Jewish and anchor baby stand-ins.


Top image courtesy of

© 2014 Jules Manson — All Rights Reserved

1 comment:

  1. I am most certainly NOT an atheist but I respect those who are. Probably just because I am one of those silly fools who believes in respecting ALL human beings regardless if I agree with them or not.
    But I must confess my confusion. I thought that eating babies was a BIBLE BASED activity.


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